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Thursday, February 23, 2012

You can't change him. If he loves you enough, he'll change himself.

Taken from
I love nothing more than being inspired by my surroundings, conversations, and most of all, posts on Facebook. While my husband considers FB to be the devil and the ultimate end of the world (lol) I find it to be quite informative. It's like a cork-board filled with bright colored sticky notes; some standing out more than others.

Or one of those little slam-books middle-school aged girls write. (Come on, I know you had one).

Anywho, back to my point. So the other day as I browsed my FB news feed, I came across this:
Stolen from my cousin's page : )
When I saw this, I almost fell out of my chair. It was exactly what had been banging around in my mind and immediately gave me that extra push to "go there." Now the first time I saw this, I didn't know the couple was of different races which makes it even all the more interesting, but I wont "go there" today. Maybe some other time.

Most women would agree that the illusion of trying to change a man is the biggest mistake that we make for ourselves. We enter into relationships with our dream guy in mind and for some reason we think we can mold and shape our current beau into that image. We manipulate, coerce, plead, and generally just beg for him to be somebody different; sometimes anyone different from who he is.

I remember as a dating single, I would secretly wish I could take a little bit of this guy, mix him with a little bit of that guy, and a dash of that guy and poof! I would have the perfect man.

Sadly, we all know that's impossible.

As women, we need to start realizing that we honestly and truly can't change a man. Contrary to popular belief, we can't make them:

1. Think differently
2. Act differently
3. Want more for themselves
 4. Become motivated
5.  Treat us better
6. Love us more
7. Respect us
8. Workout
9. Dress differently or
10. Treat our family with respect

Did I forget something?

For some reason, we really think that if we ask enough, plead our case, or give more, that will make our guy change. From lot's of experience dating guys who were just not for me, most of them didn't change until I ended the relationship with them. I guess it can be credited to the "Oh maybe she was right," afterthought. To which I say, thanks for taking my advice after I dumped you. Jeesh!

The truth of the matter is, if a guy truly loves you and wants to be with you, he will do whatever it takes to make things work.

Take my husband and myself for example. 

I've known my husband for many many years. He's actually been my best-friend since we were twelve!

Crazy? Yes I know.

Growing up, we did everything together which makes for awesome times when we reminisce. We enjoy talking about our first raggedy cars, our wonderful street racing days (yes I used to drag race . . . don't judge me), and the many other fun times we had but everything wasn't always so fine and dandy. 

You see, when you go from best-friends to partners, there's so much more that you learn about one another. As we dated, I noticed some things that I just didn't like. I won't throw him under the bus by naming them but they really truly did bother me. As the years went on, I would make comments, pleas, and then found myself trying to coerce him into submission of my wants and desires. It was at that point that I realized I couldn't change him. No matter what I said or did, there was nothing I could do about the things that plagued our relationship. Sure I got him to change how he dressed from white T's (Ugh thank God!) to wearing classic polos and Express but that was only on the outside. The change that we needed went deeper than that and I knew I deserved better than what I was getting. 

So what did I do?

I put my foot down. I knew what I wanted and if he couldn't give it to me, then we couldn't be together. It was that simple. I established a value for myself. I knew what my morals and values were and I wasn't willing to compromise that in order to "change" a guy. As I stood firm on what I wanted, I expressed it again to him and let him know that if he couldn't deliver, I couldn't stick around. 

At first he thought I was absolutely crazy. I must admit I broke sometimes because hey, I'm not perfect. I loved him with all my heart but the love I had for myself was and is much greater. 

Little by little I started to see him change. It was astonishing (more like God than anything else). The way he spoke, treated me, and respected what I asked for seemed to become a pleasure for him. I could see that he valued me and it wasn't because I was annoying him day and night to do or be what I wanted, it was because he valued me as well. We still have a lot of work to do but I know that because we value each other and our relationship, we will get there.

So, what can you do?

1. Know your worth.
(We have a back article that we recommend every women read in regards to knowing our self-worth. If we don't know it, how can we expect someone else to?)
Self-Worth Article

2. Communicate your wants

3. Understand and constantly remind yourself, you can't change him.

4. Love yourself

5. Know what you want for your relationship

6. Compromise for the good; never for the bad.
)We have another back article we recommend you read on compromise and relationships).

7.Stand your ground

8. Don't be afraid to walk away. You're worth way more than mediocre.

As always, we hope this article has inspired you to live a better life. Please share it with a friend and follow us on Facebook or Twitter to receive more encouragement throughout the day!